On the Saturday just passed, I did a beginners yoga session followed by an advanced session, went home and couldn’t move. I tried to stay up because we were supposed to go out that night but it wasn’t to be.
I was so tired, it took me half an hour to get myself to the bedroom to figure out what I was supposed to wear to go out… (we live in a 1br flat, which consists of 2 rooms.. the bedroom and the rest of the flat, it should have taken me 15 seconds). Tony walked in 15 mins later to find me just standing there staring at the pulled out drawer with a pair of trousers in my hands.
Tony: “What are you doing?”
Me: “Working out what to wear.” only momentarily looking up at him to answer and then continued staring at the drawer of clothes.
Tony: “Will you just go to bed? I don’t know why you’re trying to figure this out when you’re so tired, you’d be better off doing it after taking a nap.”
Me: “I thought I’d figure it out now so after I woke up I could roll out of bed, take a shower, dress and go.”
Tony, watching me stare at the drawers: “Can you just go to bed? You’re not doing anything!”
Me: “FINE! I don’t know why you have to tell me off for it… LOOK.. I’m going to bed OK?” as I crawled into bed.. “SEE? Are you happy now? I’m in bed OK?”
Yup…. I fell asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow. I was so tired, I dreamed that I was tired and had to go to sleep…. Can you believe it? I actually did inception! I went to sleep and had a dream that I went to sleep and had another dream where I complained about being tired!
I woke up 4 hours later drenched in sweat like I’d jumped into a swimming pool. We missed the party we were supposed to go to. Don’t ask me what happened. I’ve never been that exhausted in my life. If I could have slept through to the next day I would have but I forced myself to get up, thinking we could still go out, only to realise how late it was by then.
I can’t blame it all on the yoga. I have had a very emotional week, I ate what felt like half a cow on Thursday night, only just finished my period and I’d hurt myself the day before (pulled/strained the muscle between neck and shoulder) so I woke up that morning not being able to twist my neck without sharp pains in my back and neck/shoulder. To top it all off, I’d also managed to grind my teeth while sleeping, ending up with a locked jaw in the morning. In all honesty, I don’t actually know how I managed the yoga with all of that going on.
Tony had asked if I was going to miss yoga when he saw the state I was in and I was like “NO! I’m going!” defiantly getting out of bed. OK, I rolled out and had to muster up all my will power and energy to get through the beginners class (especially the breathing, that was so painful, I winced every time I had to tilt my head back).
I felt better after the beginners class but I was so tired that I didn’t know how I was going to get through the advanced class. I went in anyway and after the warm up was wondering if anybody had ever walked out of an advanced class before because I was considering doing exactly that.
Half way through I was wondering if anybody had ever vomited in an advanced class because I was working hard not to.
I couldn’t do anything without using everything I had and the resulting postures were pitiful. I was hoping for a second wind, praying for that reserve energy to kick in but it never came. I spent most of that class doing one attempt at a posture and then lying down for the rest of the time.
And finally the piece de resistance, handstand. I kicked up, both feet went up straight away and my arms caved in and I landed on my head. According to Tony it was a “spectacular fall”. I, on the other hand saw it all in slow motion, knew I had to push up with my arms but had no strength or energy left. Luckily, I moved my head so the crown of my head (instead of my face) hit the floor and my leg came down too, to catch most of the impact. It wasn’t so spectacular to me, I didn’t hurt myself and I was fine. Though it might explain the bruise on my knee.
I did however, for the first time ever, feel what it felt like to have no energy left at all. I’d never felt that before in my life. Usually I have something more to give, one last push. I can rest a little and have the energy to keep going because I needed to. This time, I had absolutely nothing left.
It wasn’t until I woke up from my “nap”, saw a picture of my dad saying he was just about to go fishing and then having a thought of, OMG, what if something happens to him while he’s out at sea… As soon as I felt the stress and panic inside, I realised where all my energy had gone. ALL week, in fact almost 2 weeks I’ve been like that, thinking about my mum and worrying about whether or not she was actually dying. I knew it was draining, I didn’t realise just how much.
Well, I’ve learned my lessons:
1. Death is a part of life and no amount of energy worrying about it is going to change the outcome one iota.
2. I finally know what giving it everything feels like. It’s like you’re so tired, you just want to cry……
…..but you don’t have the energy to. The teacher commented on my “calm” face while doing headstand. My face was calm because I didn’t have the energy to think, to feel let alone make any facial expressions! Therefore, I’ll know from now on that I haven’t given it everything, until I feel nothing.
3. Never say yes to going out after back to back sessions of yoga unless you want to look completely knackered at the party or unreliable for not turning up at all.