It’s been a while since I posted anything and that’s because I’ve had a lot to deal with emotionally. My mum has passed away and today marks 2 months since her “transition” into the spiritual world and becoming one with the light.
My mother and I had a very strange (either deep in discussion or not talking at all) but very strong bond.
I remember some time in 2008, sitting at my desk at work and all of a sudden being consumed with great sadness. There was nothing to make me sad, I was looking at work emails, concentrating. I’d just had lunch about an hour before and I was neither on the phone nor speaking with anyone at the time to trigger any sadness and yet, I all of a sudden felt an overwhelming need to cry.
When I asked myself what this was all about, my mum came to mind and so I called her straight away (from London to Australia) and asked if everything was OK. She said she was fine and so I told her what I was feeling and started asking her if my Grandma was OK and if she knew of any one else in the family that might have been hurt or is dying and she said no. When I insisted something was wrong and asked again if she hadn’t hurt herself because I couldn’t understand why I felt so sad, she said “Well, I sprained my shoulder but that’s about it, nothing to worry about… all is fine.” So I asked her to check and make sure my Grandma was OK because they were the only 2 people that came to mind when I thought of the sadness and I was convinced I wasn’t sad for nothing.
You know what? She broke her arm, it wasn’t a sprained shoulder. Her arm was broken because the cancer had eaten into her bones and made them brittle. So a tiny twist just to catch a bowl she almost dropped, broke her arm.
She stayed with a broken arm (she believed was only sprained) for almost 6 weeks. The cancer wasn’t diagnosed until maybe a month later when they initially thought she had a slipped disc in her spine but that too, they found was the cancer eating away at her bones.
However, already in that moment, long before the diagnosis and long before any of us even knew her arm was broken, I felt the sadness. Without knowing consciously, I must have known then that our physical bond was coming to an end, I had to start saying goodbye and things weren’t going to be the same again.
I’ve been going through my mourning and grieving stages since then and each time as I uncover more and more layers of my life and with her going in and out of sickness and remission, I go through those stages again. I’m still going through those stages now but with each time, the emotions become less intense and I’m coming closer and closer to acceptance.
Not of the fact she has died. I have accepted that. I’m talking about accepting how things turned out, accepting what happened between us and accepting that sometimes things don’t get resolved in the physical world. Things didn’t turn out the way I’d hoped.
Life doesn’t happen that way. Things don’t always get resolved because for resolution to happen, BOTH parties have to be willing and open to sort it out together.
I was upset because my attempts at bringing up the problem in order to resolve it, were met with “STOP BRINGING UP THE PAST!” I wanted to resolve things but she couldn’t bring herself to do it with me or at least expected me to deal with an issue I had with her, on my own.
We were distant emotionally, physically and mentally. By that I not only mean that I was living miles away from her but I also mean our belief systems, ways of handling things, reactions to events, thought processes and approaches to solving problems were always different and practically opposite. I’d want to air out the dirty laundry so to speak, while she would like to sweep things under the carpet which made it extremely difficult and frustrating for us to have a harmonious relationship with each other.
But I knew that spiritually, we were connected very strongly. Spiritually, we’re practically one and the same. We both knew we loved each other, I am sure about that. Vibrations are always stronger than words and so from London I thought to her many times and psychically sent messages to say that it was OK to go so she could stop her suffering and that she didn’t have to wait for me.
I also knew that I was never going to resolve anything with her on the physical plain and so it didn’t matter whether or not I was physically there. I asked if I could therefore instead, resolve things with her higher self.
She was in my dreams every single night for the entire week before she died. Each dream left me feeling like I’d just had a nightmare but I couldn’t remember them other than the fact that she was in them.
When I found out she died, the only thing I was upset about immediately was that she didn’t come to say goodbye. I didn’t feel her spirit leave or disconnect. It was almost like, if were so strongly connected, why didn’t I know she went? why didn’t her spirit come to see me? Why didn’t she say goodbye? That was the least she could do!
That night, she did visit me. Tony told me off for keeping myself awake by continuing to talk, but I was doing that because I knew she was coming and I was scared of seeing a ghost. Just as I was falling asleep from sheer tiredness, yet still awake, she came, the biggest brightest light I have ever seen. It was brighter than white and it filled the entire space so that I could see and feel nothing else. Her presence said (without words) “I couldn’t leave without seeing you” and instead of saying goodbye, she started to resolve things with me by enveloping me in her light and pouring love, compassion, forgiveness and all manner of beautiful feelings and emotions that no words can ever describe, into my heart, soul, my very being, my essence.
It was like a flash of information and emotion being downloaded in a few seconds and I was so overwhelmed with the surge of energy, light and emotions that I started hyperventilating and crying hysterically at the same time. I don’t think I’d felt that much love or anything like that before, not in this lifetime. It was the most beautiful experience I’ve ever had with spirit, to date. The connection was so powerful and beautiful.
Tony unaware of what was happening, heard me crying uncontrollably and turned in the bed to tell me where the tissues were if I needed them. The moment I turned my attention to him, she disappeared, the light turned to the pitch black room and she was gone.
It wasn’t finished though. There was much much more to go, it’s like I cut her off mid sentence. Her visit was incomplete but no matter how hard I tried to get her back, I couldn’t.
So now I’m back to trying to resolve things physically/mentally and going through my grieving stages again. I’m going through the anger, the denial, the depression and slowly but surely working through to a resolution for myself.
The love I felt from her spirit helped me a lot but coming to acceptance for things I’ve only found out after her visit, is taking some time.
I know I’ll see her again but one big lesson from her for now is that the spiritual world is a lot closer than we think and it’s something we shouldn’t be afraid of. We are linked and connected so powerfully and all we have to do to consciously connect is to ask and then be ready when they answer.
She’s been in my thoughts a lot this week, she was in my dream last night and I haven’t been able to sleep through the nights either so she must be around. Either that or I’ve been eating too much sugar. Perhaps she’s just waiting for me to be ready to see her again (and lose my fear of seeing ghosts).
My mum used to laugh every time she said “See you later, alligator! In a while, crocodile!” She’d say both parts…. and then laugh because she took enjoyment from how they rhymed.
She never actually got the fact that one was a call and the other was a response meant to be said by 2 different people and if she did get it, she ignored that fact and would say both parts together anyway and then laugh! She wouldn’t even say it in context like when she was leaving… it was more like one of those random things she’d think of, say out loud and then laugh to herself about while she was walking down the hallway.
I know… parents right?
So Ma, I know you’re there….
See you later alligator!