That’s when I write… Once in a blue moon…. quite literally.
Hello! How are you and how have you been? Wasn’t the super blue moon amazing?! It was SO BRIGHT it totally lit up the sky like a sun! We were having trouble taking a picture of it with our phones because it was too bright to register as anything other than a big white blur!! Exactly like when you try to take a picture of the sun!
It’s been a long time since I’ve written on here and a LOT of introspection and contracting has been happening on my part.
I took myself off Facebook, Instagram and everywhere else including here. I disconnected from family and friends. I even stopped seeing clients. And, it’s been the absolute best thing I’ve ever done for myself and was the timeout that I really REALLY needed. I’m not finished yet either. I know I need more time but I wanted to make note of a couple of things just now.
Firstly, that beautiful blue moon.
Secondly, I realised I was addicted to narcissistic energy and was doing narcissistic things myself so I had to cut it all off and go cold turkey. It turns out, having a mother with undiagnosed NPD for 37 years of my life meant that I had learned to turn myself into easy fodder for all narcissists and boy did they all latch on and feast on me. I didn’t realise just how many I was surrounded by throughout my entire life, nor how destructive they were to ones’ energy and psyche until I withdrew from it all. The peace I’ve felt since is undeniable and absolutely, astoundingly wonderful.
Sure there was a lot of time taken to heal and a lot of things triggering and luring me back when “they” tried to latch back on (ie reconnect) but I wouldn’t let them and now that I’ve had time out, I can “smell” them from a mile away and pretty much get the heebie jeebies as soon as one is around. For no “known” or obvious reason, I just don’t like them and flat out want to avoid them. A stark contrast from before where I’d just find myself in their presence with their hooks already sunk deep into me, stressed, anxious and wanting to die before I would realise anything was wrong….
I don’t even need to meet the person anymore. For instance, I saw a LinkedIn Profile of someone I’d never heard of before. Tones was searching for a job. On seeing the face and just reading a little bit of their CV, I immediately told Tones what kind of person they were, likening them to other narcissists I’d already experienced working with and painting a picture of what that would look like and let’s just say, he went for and started the job (afterall, why would he just listen to the mad ravings of his lunatic wife and use that as a reason not to take on a job?) and promptly quit after a couple of weeks experiencing what they were like to work with, proving my spidey senses accurate. Next time, we’re going to go with my spidey senses and not waste time. Sure it doesn’t make sense… not in the physical “normal” world but…. energetically? Having been the energy source for multiple narcissists at a time, experience says, I know what it feels like and Narcissistic vibes travel through space and time, you can feel that shit everywhere, even through a picure or a CV. It is best to avoid them latching on because it will take about as much time or longer separating yourself from and getting over the twisted crap they put you through.
So here’s something I read which prompted me to post today…
“Say You’re Sorry
It takes guts to apologize. But doing so demonstrates empathy and humility, and will make others want to be around you. It’s part of the emotional healing process. Giving an apology doesn’t necessarily mean you’re wrong, but it does mean you place the relationship above your own ego.”
This reminded me of every narcissist I had in my life whom I never ever received an apology from, about anything, ever….. and that is due to their overinflated, giant egos. They would rather give you the silent treatment and/or hold your sins against you for life than apologise. God forbid they were ever wrong…. ever….
It’s all you… your fault, your issues, your attitude, your lack of intelligence, your lack of skills, your lack of whatever, anything and everything that would ensure it’s not them, ever, because they are perfect and can do no wrong. Also it means that if you’re the one that doesn’t apologise… YOU must be the narcissist.. not them but you.
Yes they can and sometimes do apologise…. in a very backhanded way… just to prove that they’re not narcissistic and the apology sounds like this: “I’m so sorry that you got upset”. Yup…. never actually apologise for doing anything wrong, just that YOU (because there’s something wrong with you, of course it’s you) got upset at them. They were trying to help you magnanimously, it’s not their fault you’re too weak/stupid/blind etc to appreciate what they were doing was only for your benefit and nothing else.
Hmmm… traumatised much? I told you I needed more time. This trauma doesn’t just disappear unfortunately. I’ve been working on it and the peace has been a real blessing but there’s a lot of deeper stuff to get through. A LOT. When the closest people to you were narcissists for the majority of your life, it becomes a lot to untangle.
The other thing I wanted to mention was sleep. In the last week, I have had the shittiest sleep I’ve ever had in my life. We are testing out a new temperature controlled mattress and I have been waking up at 4.30am and unable to get back to sleep, every single day. I feel like shit, and I’m irritable and moody. Could be the supermoon thing maybe? You know how energies of the full moon can cause people to shift their mood? Perhaps it’s that…. But I’m sleeping at 1am and waking up at 4.30am. I’ve had 6 days like that and no naps during the day. You do the math. URGH! I’m not in a good mood.
The strange thing is, when I get like this… all the narcissistic abuse trauma comes up in my mind so I get even more upset. I suppose it’s because it feels the same way. You feel stressed, drained, tired, irritable, tense, a little bit crazy like you can’t think straight, wanting to give up… well there you go. I’ve just described the feelings of both narcissistic abuse and long term lack of sleep and they’re the same!!!!! ABSOLUTELY EXHAUSTING!!
Paris & Rome
This year is the first to break a streak of many years….. the boys fought. TWICE.
The first time was caught on camera. Tony closed Paris’ enclosure and let out Rome in the morning as usual. Except that Paris wasn’t in his enclosure…. he was actually sleeping inside a box outside. So… when Rome got to that spot, he was about to go into the box tunnel and instead came across Paris who, without much instigation, threatened and then after a bit of chasing, bit a chunk of Rome’s fur out. I heard it and ran downstairs and promptly separated them. Tony was in the toilet completely oblivious to the chaos he’d unwittingly created.
The second time was just this week. Rome must’ve been biting the fence between them and the gate opened which meant there was no more barrier between his and Paris’ areas. Both Tony and I were in bed. I was asleep, he was reading on his phone. Upon hearing the noise, I bolted up and said “what was that?” He said “nothing”. Before he could say anything else, I said, “Then why does it sound like fighting?” ran downstairs to find the gate open, Rome in his enclosure, Paris in his but both really tense and a big chunk of Rome’s fur (yup… .Paris just bites every time) in Paris’ area close to the opened gate. Fantastic. I closed the fence, calmed them down, you can feel their muscles through their fur, their entire body tensed up, ready to fight, it took a bit longer this time than last time so it must’ve been bad…. and Tony sealed the fencing with cable ties so this version of getting into a fight doesn’t happen again – especially when we’re not home!
They’ve also had visitors…. Tony’s cousin, cousin-in-law and niece came to see them. Apparently his niece’s first time to hold a rabbit, ever.
We also have another animal loving friend coming to visit in a few days who I know would love to meet them more than meeting us LOL. Ah, it’s nice to see that the boys have their own visitors.
Last story because it literally just happened. Rome jumped onto a box and of all the places to jump on this very long box (a long 2m item was delivered in it), he jumped right where there was a sticker… and of all the places to bite the box, of course, he bit and ripped off the sticker which then got stuck on his chin, then on his chest, then on his paw and he just couldn’t get it off. Now, if you’ve ever seen a rabbit in a panic, this is what happened to him. He just ran from place to place with eyes bugged out, flicking and kicking and licking his paw and flicking some more and when I went downstairs to help him, he ran and scampered and Paris was drawn out of his slumber in his tunnel, to watch the shenanigans. I basically chased Rome all over the lounge and finally caught him to peel the sticker off his arm. Yes, he lost a bit of fur that was stuck to the sticker. When it comes to stickers….. Rome always finds them and they always end up stuck to his chin, chest or arm (front leg). Never had a story like this with Paris but multiple times this has happened to Rome! The stupid thing is, I spent about half an hour removing sticky bits from a box yesterday (a different box) just to prevent exactly this from happening…. It’s Murphy’s Law… no matter how clean you think you made everything, Rome will always find the one sticker / sticky tape / sticky label that you missed and eat it and get stasis or have the event above.
Home, House and Completions
You would think that after all this time off, this would be totally finished but it isn’t. We decided that a blank white wall was boring and decided to make it a “feature” wall meaning we would either put wall paper on it or put stone tiles to give it some colour and texture.
However we decided no to the wall paper, wanting texture and after speaking to a friend about it and seeing the tile samples I ordered, we realised that there was no way us first timers would be able to tile a wall that big with the tiles we wanted – we’d have to get it done professionally, it would cost a lot etc etc…..
So we decided to just buy plastic tiles and stick them onto the wall with double sided tape. This is still a work in progress. Tony’s filling the gaps in (because low and behold, the walls are neither straight nor flat) after which, he will paint it, then spray paint it. I helped with the wall downstairs but for the upstairs one, he’s doing it on his own because my knees buckle just watching him on scaffolding and he’ll be doing this without any scaffolding at all. I will be available to call the ambulance. That will be my function when he gets to this part of the wall.
In the meantime, we had an electrician come in to do the bathroom wiring. “Get them to come in when I get a job” he says…. then he bugs me because I didn’t… so I did and he quits his job. Moving on….
The electricians did what they had to do but since we wanted to paint the walls, they left all the plastering to Tony. He’s sanded the walls, put mold resistant paint up and put on a couple coats but as we were putting up the vanity unit last night, we realised one of the pieces were not attached by the electricians when they installed the vanity so we had to take everything back down and put it back up with the additional railing they’d missed. Except that, when we took it down, we pulled off some double sided tape and ripped the paint off the wall so now he is repainting it again.
Also we ordered our couches, finally…. in January but they’re not getting delivered until September…. except we haven’t heard from the company to say when they’re ready for delivery just yet… it’s only the first… will wait a bit before chasing.
The saga must continue….
Tones and Joy – in terms of the 7 areas of life
Mental Health- Rating 5/10
Only because I haven’t slept and cannot think straight. For all I know I’m posting gibberish right now.
Physical Health – Rating 6/10
No exercise.
Sleep – totally sucks at 3 hours a night if I’m lucky.
I had to go to the doctor this year because I had heart palpitations. Basically could feel my heartbeat 24/7 for 2 weeks. Apparently there’s nothing wrong with me and “slim people often feel their heart beat”. I f*cking hate doctors so much. I mean seriously…. slim people often feel their heart beat?? So what does that mean??? That I am slim now and haven’t been so for the last 47 years??? Or.. I’ve just been completely oblivious to the feeling of my heart beat until now and now I can’t stop being aware of it?? Mental. Absolutely mental.
I did get an ultrasound and they found fibroids in my womb… she was supposed to be looking at my stomach and chest area but because she couldn’t see anything wrong there, she checked my womb…. fantastic… fibroids… apparently nothing alarming and everyone has them so they didn’t want to investigate that any further. Could it be the cause of my heart palipitations? No clue because well the body is not looked at holistically and as long as there’s nothing obviously wrong with my aorta, they’ll send me home and call it hypochodria.
They cannot find the cause of my feelings of a heart beat. It’s not normal and uncomfortable enough that I actually took myself to see a doctor but… since they saw nothing alarming didn’t bother trying to figure it out, sent me home and told me to just come back if I still felt it after a month.
Well.. it’s been more than that and I still do feel it but I’m not going to bother the doctor about it. Instead, as per usual I went home and tried to sort my heart palpitations out myself. I am attempting things like probiotics, digestive enzymes, antacids (because I think it’s something to do with indigestion like my insides balloon to the point where they push on and I can therefore feel the blood pumping through the aorta) so far, I’ve seen improvement but not a complete subsidence of the symptoms.
Tony and I also both had some weird eczema, rash type thing which wouldn’t go away. His was on his knee…. and mine was on all the parts where I’d have elastic on my body from various items of clothing worn. VERY uncomfortable.
Weight wise, despite the crap sleep, weight has been stable. I’m not as skinny as I’d like to be, the bingo wings are bothering me but the Mi scale says that my fat % is down, my protein levels are up and everything is in the correct range for me except for muscle mass of which I still need about 600g. This is the best I’ve seen my stats ever…. ie since we got the scale that measures it all which was 4-5 years ago I think.
Vocational Health – 2/10
I’ve taken a break. My website came down because I didn’t pay the whatever it is you need to keep it up… This definitely lessened the number of clients I got but I continued on with word of mouth referrals. At the same time I haven’t fixed the website (despite a few clients asking me to so that they could easily refer others) nor have I encouraged more than what’s coming through now because I have really needed the time out.
So now it’s the occasional one or two a week, some weeks with no clients at all and I’m OK with that especially in the non-sleep state that I’m in. It would not be good for anyone I work with for me to be in this state.
So keeping it that way until I’m ready again.
Familial Health – Rating 8/10
Nothing to report on this front. Everything plodding along with our little unit of Tones, me and the bunnies.
We now have more family than ever before in the UK because Tones’ cousins’ children are studying here. One cousin’s children are boarding. And the other of his cousins have moved their entire family over so they can be here while their kid studies here. She will also be boarding but only for the week.
Spiritual Health – Rating 9/10
The Miracle is still pumping. The salt cures this year were pristine until Tones started working for the narcissist and now it’s got a little bit of salt build up happening but not too bad and nothing like all the previous years.
The other salt cure remains pristine as if I’d just made them. These have been up since February 2023. How clean they are is super impressive proving that we in the house have been very chilled.
Despite my moodiness from not sleeping much, energy (serenity, peace) here has been great.
Financial Health – Rating 2/10
I lost quite a bit in financial investments over the last couple years and reverted back to my ostrich head in the sand thing that I’ve been doing for most of my life. This year I have not paid any attention whatsoever to the finances. Tony and I have just been spending and spending. To top it all off, he hasn’t worked for a total of nearly 4 months this year and I’ve barely seen any clients. So with that I’m rating our finances as a 2.
Having said that, neither of us are stressed about money. We already modified our expenses and savings in the past to prepare for circumstances like this. We know how to rough it out and take austerity measures if it gets to be that way but life is good so we remain steadfast in the knowledge that everything we need will be provided for. We are both enjoying our time off like a retired couple, plodding along doing daily stuff. I guess this is abundant mindset in full effect.
Still, I could focus even a bit of time on money. We always do financially better when both our eyes are on the ball.
I’ve totally dropped the ball here and need to pull my socks up, pull my finger out…. and all the other expressions that describe the requirement to whip us back into better financial shape!
Social Health – Rating 8/10
We stopped the ballroom dancing but made friends with a couple who were also doing it and live a couple of suburbs away. Just bumped into them when we went into their daughter-in-law’s shop. After that we organised drinks with them and every week since we’ve been meeting up with all different people. Most of whom we hadn’t seen since before Covid.
This part of our lives is filling up and we’ve been making a lot more effort to organise meet ups and also travelling all the way into London to see people.
We’ve also had and will be getting visits from people travelling from overseas which is also nice.
Overall, life’s been pretty chilled. The little bits of drama last for a day or two, recovery is quick and yeah, life’s just been pretty breezy.
It’s the way life can be for everyone really. So strange that people will always choose something else more dramatic.
That’s it from me just now. Until the next blue moon…..
xoxox
Tony & Joy 